i don’t even know where to begin— i can honestly say that my life has almost completely 180’d in the past few months. which is why i’ve essentially disappeared from gaming and tumblr.
it had never really occurred to me that i had any type of “health” issues… close friends and family have teased me almost my entire life, saying i was in “lala land,” or that i’m a “space cadet,” or they would say things like “laura’s mute.” i knew that i had serious issues with focusing, and had a pretty hard time socializing, but i never really attributed it to anything— i just thought that it was my personality. i also struggled immensely throughout college. i had friends who could study for 3 hours and get an A, whereas i had to study to 10 hours just to pull off a B or C. this was frustrating, to say the least, and i always thought “oh, i’m just not as smart as other people.” i fell into somewhat of a depression in college, and visited the doctor constantly because i would wake up sick almost every morning and miss class. she gave me anti-anxiety pills, but they never did anything but put me to sleep.
i then found myself sucked into the world of aion… for hours… days… months… years. it was literally consuming my life. it was a place where i was comfortable, and i could let my mind be completely taken over by the imaginary world in front of me. it was something that would shut my mind off from the constant stress and worry and nonstop “laskdjfoaiwejflaskd.” although i absolutely love the game and made some of the best friends in the world (i really really love my online friends and have probably received more support and shared more laughs with them than my “IRL” friends), i knew that my need to ALWAYS be logged in was unhealthy— but i seriously couldn’t control it. it was dictating my life— i was completely unproductive and felt like the world around me was alive and moving, yet here i was, stuck in an alternate reality. and what’s even worse is that i felt like i was neglecting my husband— the person who i vowed would always come first and who was working hard to support us. i knew that something needed to change, but i had dug myself into such an unhealthy pit of dependency.
a few months ago, i was in ventrilo (at about 2am) with a couple of friends, trying to get my “outside” PvP in tiamaranta done. one of them began talking about how he had been diagnosed with A.D.D and that he was going to try medication. i asked him a bit more about how he knew, and he started listing off the symptoms of A.D.D. — and let me tell ya…. i seriously suffered from every.single.one. A.D.D was never something that occurred to me. to be honest, i actually thought it was a fake disorder that was thought up to give an excuse for peoples’ children to act like brats (even though that’s probably still 50% the case). i went online and started looking up the symptoms of A.D.D, and the more i read, the more i could identify. i went to see my doctor and she prescribed me with a low dosage of aderall. she told me that if it made me jittery and wirey, then i was misdiagnosed, but if it calmed me down and allowed me to focus and be productive, then A.D.D was the issue.
the first day i took the pill… i was speechless. i have NEVER had this feeling in my life. it was almost uncomfortable, and i didn’t even know how to handle myself. my brain, normally, is a jumble of thoughts, words, memories, colors, sounds… always turning and changing. it’s mentally exhausting and completely frustrating— but after i started medication, i felt like my mind was a quiet room, where i got to choose my own thoughts. this sounds weird, but i almost felt alone in my own head, and it was a creepy feeling. i remember thinking “so THIS is what normal is.”
all of a sudden, i could engage in conversations with people (whereas before, they would talk and i would try to listen, but couldn’t pay attention for more than 30 seconds… which is why i was always so quiet… it was a safe way to get people to not talk to me).
all of a sudden, i had a drive to pursue new jobs and careers— i’ve been to numerous auditions, am learning to produce music, and have been applying to the company my husband works at (whereas before, i was comfortable with my 4-hour nighttime job coaching at my sister’s gym, with no ambitions or thoughts of progressing my life).
all of a sudden, i spent my time during the day going running with my best friend and practicing making my voice stronger… and i strangely had no desire to log into any video games (whereas before, i didn’t know what to do with my life besides avoiding it altogether).
i don’t think i’ve ever been more happy than i am now. i truly regret not resolving this issue earlier in my life, but i am so grateful to have figured it out, and also that there are resources out there to help people who struggle with this!
i hope that everything i’m working toward, career-wise, works out, and i’m amazed at how blessed i am and about how many doors have been opening for me in my music career! i’m so excited to have energy, and that i’m not tired all the time, and that i can fall asleep at night without anxiety and stress :)
if anyone else struggles with this and wants to talk, feel free to message me! it’s always nice to hear other peoples experience— it makes me feel less weird haha
my best friend and niece (who’s my age) got married this weekend! it was such an emotional but amazing day! it’s so weird not being little kids anymore!
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Rare demo of Young and Beautiful leaked today.
please watch this
seven seconds of your time
matt does this thing where he wanders around the house talking in a russian accent because he knows it pisses me off… then i try to talk to him seriously about something and he won’t drop the accent and he’ll do it literally the entire day and asodifjaleijasdkf